partner keeps asking if i'm ok

But she wouldnt believe me, apparently. But is she making efforts to address them and ease how much work you guys have to do? So I will keep bugging them until they tell me the truth, and it always comes out. I know she wouldn't want this, but it's hard to not look for a solution to a re-ocurring issue. Either is fine. And they keep doing it. Thats, you know, if you actually ARE concerned and DONT just want some space. [Repeat until they arrive at the station.] Now, its your call which, if any, of these issues you want to raise with the friend and try to resolve. I also cant drink much (thanks, health condition that affects my blood pressure, plus incompatible meds! Your friendquaintance sounds like she is really challenging to deal with, in ways she needs to be accountable for. I feel like this incident woke up the napping, cantankerous 93-year old sassy lady who lives inside of me who is done dealing with immature behavior and she is insisting on speaking only with adults, thankyouverymuch. I hate having so many non-negotiable needs, but this is a disabling condition and my home life is pretty well structured around dealing with it, so Im aware that going out with me may not be as spontaneous and carefree as going out with other friends. Your silence wil train him out of the habit. Heres probably the best picture Ive ever taken. +1 y. I mean, if someone had a sad look on their face, I'd ask if they were okay. What to Do When Your Partner Is Upset But They Won't Tell You Why Also, DF is from a very, VERY different cultural background than I am. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. Which can make a person a little, um, judgy. How are you feeling now?. If you suspect your ex is merely pretending to be over you, here are a few ways to know for sure. Ignore or Confront? How to Handle a Partner Keeping Secrets No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. I haaaaaate the dance of Something is clearly wrong but I wont say it and will sulk/huff/engage in inane behaviors rather than honestly talking about whats on my mind and wait for the other person to ask whats up. I also hate the phenomenon where others will not take my answers to questions such as Are you okay? at face valueand those who engage in both those behaviors tend to be the same people. Rare binges arent exactly healthy, but theyre not automatic signs of a serious drinking problem or alcoholism, either. Heres a link just in case: http://bit.ly/1NXnVHU I suspect that LW is transmitter-oriented (TO) and DF is receiver-oriented (RO). This is my fate in life. Specifically, when Ive thrown a party or organized an activity, but my anxiety is spiking for other reasons, I have felt an overwhelming need to make sure everyone is having a good time. Specifically, I think LW is an Asker and DF is a Guesser. Theres times when an empathetic friend will reach out, and when someone wants to be asked more than once, and wants to know for sure that youre really receptive to a full answer. I have tried this with my spouse when he pulls this and then he gets all pouty. A joke about how annoying you are! DF, as an RO and believing that she has *made herself clear*, decodes this as a deliberate rejection of her request for support or attention.] Just over 1 year with my girlfriend, we have a really good open communication and talk about a lot of things, even things that we find difficult or are lying under the surface. Why do I have to keep up with her? And if the answer is along the lines of, Yes, there is STUFF that Im not ready to talk about I dont push. I do try to be patient since I love her and I have my own anxiety issues, and I know what its like to feel that unless you check, you have to assume the worst case scenario about everything, but you do eventually just want to say can you please assume everything is fine unless otherwise stated, rather than making it not fine by treating a casual conversation like a hostile interrogation? But any time Ive tried to talk to her about it she gets defensive. This wasnt a party, it was (I thought) just a fun afternoon spent walking around the city, seeing the sights. The invitation to get drunk is an invitation to use booze as an excuse to say things she cant otherwise say. I feel tons better! Its the kind of thing you dont mind doing for a friend every once in a while if they show their appreciation, and it cements the friendship and makes everyone feel good. WASHINGTON The Supreme Court on Friday ruled in favor of an evangelical Christian web designer from Colorado who refuses to work on same-sex weddings, dealing a setback to LGBTQ rights.. Stop. [Translation: I am really angry that you are pretending that everything is okay when it is clearly not.] I am in tune with other people's emotions so I usually ask people if they're okay. Combined with the alcohol, that might manifest as constantly asking if you are ok (a.k.a. Especially in the context of an afternoon where she went a little off the rails, is she fishing for you to be worried about her, perhaps? Having someone get in my face and demand to know what was on my mind would not have been good for anyone; after two or three deflections, I tend to give a fully honest answer. A controlling partner typically feels that they have the right to know more than they actually do. I am calmer after a rough two days of this silliness and I am now ably to approach her to see if something bigger is going on with HER. Whether shes suffering from addiction or not, theres certainly something going on with her and, although her behaviour on this occasion was pretty irritating, if the LW felt like taking her aside and seeing if she could do with some help, that would be a kind thing to do. All afternoon, she asked me that. In fact, thats what I suggest you do. Maybe the truthful answer to Are we okay? is actually Not really but thats not what the LW was asked. I answered, well, you know, I just couldnt keep up with your wifes drinking, maybe that was it! We each paid $150 for the ticketsnot a small thing!! ), but when I do get questions I find that people are pretty understanding if I say, It triggers nasty migraines. In my case thats true, but even if its not the case for you it might be a useful lie if you arent comfortable sharing your actual health information, especially with people you dont know well. If your partner is still hung up on their ex, they may suggest doing the same things that they used to do with their past partner. Cry over how much you miss her / how much you love her? Im just tossing this out there, because from skimming the comments I havent seen anybody touch on it: if someone whos known to be a bit of a Delicate Flower is asking you if YOURE okay, sometimes its a sign that THEY are not okay and want you to reciprocate the inquiry. 9. Still, on the receiving end, such questions don't feel simple. We had cocktails for the train ride into the city, I had one. Add Opinion Anonymous (36-45) +1 y They act (but it's not an act) like they're lucky you walked into their world. Or maybe theyre hungry, or need to leave in an hour but they can say so. "I am, yeah," he says. I need Top Shelf Friends and am digging through and reshuffling my adult friendships because somehow, I found myself with a bunch of super conservative (because of the town I live in) female friends and it is not working for me anymore. Group gaming nights often involve the latter situation. Yesssss. LW cared enough to make elaborate arrangements so that she could take a whole day to support her friend in need. Lately Im trying to let go of some of this, and just relax and enjoy situations and trust my friends to be grown-ups themselves. The Are you okay? is definitely code for Why arent you drinking? where I live. Agree with those who are suggesting that Are you OK? maybe also means Are WE OK? I also wonder if what she was looking for was for the question to get turned around, a la Yes, Im OK. Are you? which might give her an opportunity to start talking about whatever is making her need a day off from life? Were not mean people, LW, and im sure youre not either, so its healthy to take a look at where that line between venting and meanness starts as its SO easy to cross into hurtful territory. If anything, he seems annoyed because he has said "I don't always have to be happy for you". Good luck! He starts pestering me throughout the day, 'making sure everything is alright'. Then one day she wanted to catch up after work and I said no because I had other plans (largely to spend some time alone but whatever) and she made up a fake crisis that she needed my advice on which turned out not to be a thing at all when I dropped everything to meet up with her When I was her friend I was always tired of socialising and never wanted to go out when I stopped being her friend all this mental energy and time opened up in my schedule for hanging out with people who actually reciprocated and I actually liked or whanted to get to know better. Thank you. I feel for you here, that kind of behavior absolutely makes me see red. I agree saying lets go out! then getting immediately, energetically plastered sounds like shes got something stressful going on and thats how shes dealing with it. "I don't know," I said. I dont know what she needs help *with* specifically thatd be armchair diagnosing, and Im not a doctor but long-running problems like this seem to be in the domain of therapists and psychiatrists. And please keep in mind, this frustration was *in retrospect*I really was having fun that day! She kept drinking and the questions became a little more belligerent and by the time we caught he train home, she was quiet and kept fucking asking ME if I was okay. Which shuts people up, hilariously, to be told that Im adequate, Also a sufferer. Or you will never get laid again., If they continue after that, I follow up with a No, Im not, because you wont trust me when I say Im fine.. One possibility is that Delicate Flower is an active alcoholic whose repeated questions about whether the LW was okay was really a mask for her anxiety about drinking heavily in front of someone in her social circle, i.e. (One of them is a BFF.) I definitely endorse spending less time and energy on people like this. Add in the lowered inhibitions and short-term memory issues that can come with drinking to excess, and I can easily see how she would keep asking, although involving both of your husbands seems pretty strange. GrayK_97 Follow Xper 2 Age: 25 So I recently started a new job a couple of months ago and have been slowly adjusting to it. I agree with your overall point, but I do not appreciate your mischaracterization of my post. But do you like this woman enough to discuss it also with her/her husband? . Either way, I agree with several other commenters here that there is deeper problem causing her trouble. There are folks who play at being unhappy in silence while being loud in other ways, for sure, but one persons social martyr can often be another persons just quietly coming along. The folks playing passive-aggressive games can be called out by saying the way you keep sighing loudly every time someone else speaks doesnt come across as actually being okay, but if you dont want to talk about it thats all right. Everyone else should be shown the courtesy and respect we owe other adults by accepting them at their word when they tell us theres not a problem. Though, Im only speaking from within my own particular experiences with the addictions of loved ones. She laughs, we laugh, she says it fits her to a T. Then, something happened this past weekend that is not so funny. For the next while, dont vent where you Little League. A good host makes sure everyone has a good time within limits. Its frustrating, and its a real good way to drive a wedge between themselves and the person theyre not trusting for their word. Its OK not to like someone, and to keep interactions disengaged accordingly. 6 Signs Your Partner Is Unhappy In Your Relationship & Isn't Telling You Dr. Ukuku suggests keeping . At least you would have warned him and they can take it from there. Yuuup. Speaking as another socially anxious person, the two points you raise arent necessarily separate. I did not suggest that LW or anyone else should drink if they dont want to drink. Supreme Court rules for web designer who refused to work on same-sex They can also be mean themselves, which makes them hard to like. She thinks perhaps Delicate Flower is having some major depression or something else going on. So they are likely to assume that you, too, are not actually fine because they are projecting how they would behave onto you. Thank you for such a well-nuanced answer. And seriously consider knocking it off. I know I sure dont like to be asked the same thing over and over (!) So if youre worried about your friends, try something like you seem more distant than usual, is there something I can help with?. But the LW was supposed to understand that this was drinky drink time! needs to come out of the equation here.. Also Try: Is He a Keeper Quiz 15 signs your partner is a keeper. Plus now shes worried about what you might think/say about her condition. Is there anything you want to talk about? If you want to save the friendship, its worth a shot. that I want". There are many potential pros of masturbating while married or in a long-term relationship. I think when your friend is asking Are you okay? she means Are WE okay? and it seems pretty clear from this letter that your honest answer is no. Pandemic anxiety isn't the only thing robbing us of our sleep. The LW doesnt mention heavy drinking or even any drinking as a pattern in this relationship. Im good. Then, a few minutes later, Really, are you mad? and then Me: WELL NOW I AM. The BRF diagnosis has helped us out a lot , Youve asked me that question a few times this afternoon. OCD Reassurance Seeking: Why It's Harmful and How to Deal - Verywell Mind The friend may have been asking in a bid for reciprocity, but even if thats the case, its not going to be intuitively obvious to everyone. It does get heated at times, like any argument, but there is an understanding from both grounds. If youre actually trying to elucidate how some one feels, ask specific questions. The second reason is that when Im depressed, any vague sense that someone isnt having the most fun in their life with me means Im doing everything horribly wrong and they hate me ** Worse, they might use your gentle barb as cover for much nastier intentions towards DF or others. Ah the joys of an anxious introvert and an anxious extrovert trying to communicate their needs! And you might do well to discuss it with the other friend present on the fateful afternoon. For instance your partner may want to keep going to a. So after everyones LOVELY advice here (Seriously, you guys are so freaking amazing and I wish I were surrounded by such people in my real life! The badgering asking if you were okay was the minor annoyance, the single mosquito in a bed of fleas sort of annoyance. Social anxiety can make the thought that somebody else is experiencing even transitory discomfort into a much bigger deal than it needs to be. Why arent you drinking? + a little please ask me if Im okay. Me. It works, but its probably not the best choice for obvious reasons. 3) Something is quite possibly going on with DF, and you are clearly not the person to take point on handling it. The best way to respond to your ex asking how you are is probably not how you have responded to her in the past. Its frustrating. Wow, not lying at all. I often feel caught between two courses of action when a friend starts this sulky behavior that lets me know that I, or someone else in the group, has done something wrong. One side of me says, as a caring friend, and as someone who wants to model good communication, I should probe her to see what the deal is. I heard her use that phrase so many times over the years and rarely because she was asking after someones welfare. Rather, are you okay is her way of alerting them to the fact that she considers them not okay, i.e. I am a sufferer of BRF and I feel your pain. But he relaxes when I ask if he's pleased with Oppenheimer. If you say, Actually, DF*, I was happy to put all that effort into giving you a good day out, but it seems to have made you feel less secure and more stressed and that makes me feel a bit resentful. ! and pulling something like that. Ditto. From maintaining eye contact to managing arousal, here's her ultimate . That is, my feeling that everything is centred on how Ive fucked up, tells me that other people are actually centred on themselves. He always asks me if I'm "ok" whenever we hangout? You got help! To me it's mind boggling I'm even having to ask for something that basic which takes 30 seconds tops, but to him it never seems to cross his mind. Its passive-aggressive and manipulative, not to mention juvenile and bitchy. An RO wouldnt say Would you please shut the door until the listener had already proven rude or incompetent; in RO-speak, a direct request is a rebuke: RO: Would you please shut the door? CEO, Esposito CEO2CEO, LLC. Not a responsibility, but if you want to maintain the friendship, then its useful to know that Are you OK? is not *that* unusual a code for Are we OK? If people I care about are behaving in ways that suggests that something is up, its not my *responsibility* to put in the effort to divine that, but if I care about them then Im going to. Giphy. But, there are times, random occasions even when she's asks the question 'is everything okay between us?' "Do You Still Love Me? No, Really?" - Psychology Today Nicknames work when they are kindly meant, but when there is a bit of an edge to them, the nicknamed person knows it and it can feel kind of gaslighty when everyones like, Ho ho ho! Relationship Warning Signs: Who You Should Watch Out for These 10 When he kept asking, are you sure? Well, in LWs shoes I think I might feel like Id already tried really hard to meet Friends needs, dropping everything, making childcare arrangements and heading out for Friends perfect afternoon of doing whatever she wanted. WE DID EVERY SINGLE THING SHE WANTED to do (the mutual friend and I are natives to this city, she is a transplant) and pulled out all the stops of what SHE REQUESTED and INSISTED upon.. Leaving it along protects the game, the company, and also gives the person who (maybe) is not-okay the normal theyre looking for to help avoid the not-okay things. We had a great afternoon in the city, though! and then I looked over at my husband and my friend was ASKING HIM, was LW okay yesterday? to which he relied, YES! I know there have been times in my life when Ive gone to play games precisely because I had things outside the game that I was trying hard not to think about. My first impression with the repeated Are you okay?s was that she wanted you to ask her back. Then it gets really wearing, and eventually you realise its not reciprocal and that its not that they like you that much its just that they want things and you were the one who responded. They Randomly Go Hot And Cold On You One of the most infuriating and confusing things someone you're dating can do is to play the hot and cold game. http://basicinstructions.net/basic-instructions/2011/1/16/how-to-answer-the-question-whats-bothering-you.html. I will pipe up when I have something to say, but sitting quietly and playing the game in a group where I just happen to be the quietest one at the table does not mean Im bored or sad. My husband was very comforted when he actually came across a meme on BRF and I was like THIS. Boss keeps asking if I'm OK (job, company, hire, office - City One is that my instincts often tell me more about a situation than my conscious mind, and for example if Im playing a tabletop with many people, I can tell when a player is sad or bored even if they say theyre fine. I would ask if everything was ok because at this point less than 3 months i barely knew her. Shes been like this for a long time, long enough for you to notice that shes high maintenance regularly. Theres something else going on here and Id wish youd let me know. Than say nothing and see what she says. How about now? Is your ex sending you mixed messages? I have felt the impulse to do this, and I have seen friends of mine behave this way. My mother, middle sister, and I all exhibit the same anxiety-associated behaviors. Like, really? I know that I, for instance, will often choose to do physically risky things as a form of stress relief and am much more okay with with a higher risk:benefit ratio because it truly does work for stress relief. Maybe DF doesnt think its all that funny but laughs because what else is she going to do about it? Can we shut up and play now?. It was telling her things like, Look at all the things LW has done for you. Here's How to Fix That. They dont understand when someone is just straightforward and honest, and cant accept that the initial answer is the truthful one. Redirect her questions back to her. After awhile, I start to hear are you ok as you are doing something that is not OK with me. DF: Well . Actually I have started paying attention to this, because the person putting the pressure on full blast is usually a raging alcoholic, no matter what their public face. It sounds to me like Delicate Flower had getting drunk as her principal agenda for the day, but didnt feel like she could say so openly up front without disclosing something too personal. Ooh, I used to know a girl who sounds very similar to your friend: carbon copy similar, as far as the demanding, controlling, high-maintenance attitude in social situations. I agree with you that something is up, but Im as confused as you as to what it could be. Maybe DF perceives what I think that this delicate flower nickname isnt quite as empty of judgment as it is sold as. LW: Sure! Do I say something or say nothing and just keep insisting that I AM OK? I wouldnt ever think it was anyone elses responsibility to notice and correctly interpret my weird behaviour. Sooo a good step to not being available for mean girl shenanigans friendships is to not go there. I had a similar thought. I know this phenomenon has been discussed here at CA. Some of us are battling a partner who snores, hogs the . These were your next red flags. I certainly get that were imperfect adults and those flaws leak into our friendships. Link Copied! Dont be cover for people who behave this way from malice. Its not my own preferred way of handling alcohol, and I have occassionally found it stressful to be in the middle of these heavy drinking situations, but most of the friends Im thinking of were and are basically happy and functional people. Sounds like friend used the girls day to go off the wagon, perhaps. Just a joke! That is A-Okay. In school, were forced into relationships with these people, whether or not we have any interest in them. No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). Keepers consistently treat you well. I agree with the last paragraph, only I am a lot meaner. I am from an urban Midwest area, very progressive and liberal, very open and direct. After two Are you okay?s and two responses of Im okay, thanks, the next Are you okay? gets met with Why do you keep asking me that? and a refusal to respond any other way to the question and/or engage with that question until she answers YOUR question. and our I think you nailed it. Thats all well and good, but you have to leave room for the possibility that your instinct/gut feeling about how someone REALLY feels deep down beneath their social martyr who is valiantly suffering appearance could be wrong, and repeatedly not taking someones Im fine for the truth can feel to the other person like you do not believe them or trust them at their word. Or perhaps their behavior just seems off? DF: Lets go drinking! Her demanding, clingy, super duper amazingly high maintenance behavior . Actually, Im playing games because Im distracting myself from how my grandparent is dying in the hospital too far away for me to be there, so yeah, Im not 100% here right now and thank you so much for bringing it up. It really is. Please stop asking me that., Im fine does not, sadly, work very well as a broken record, mostly because in the case of many, many people (me included) repeated use of Im fine, actually DOES mean Im Fucked-up Insecure Neurotic and Emotional.. And either shed explained exactly to her husband or she hadnt, but he chose to use her formulation.
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